by bert

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this is a thingy i made while sick and reading a folk novel

please tell your mother to listen to my music.


released 03 December 2013

shouts to all those cool producers i stole these beats from.

also shouts to Darryl Jay Howard II and Isaiah BALLER for the album art.



all rights reserved


feeds for this album, this artist
Track Name: somersault cloud
unfathomable ape murmurs
Track Name: peaches of immortality
a chattering monkey chokes on a mouthful of peaches

lemme eat another peach, that's like my 10th this week
get out my face, you're weak. i just wanna protect my meek
cave of loyal monkeys. enlightened but you treat me like dummy
oh that's funny? you tried to make me a stable man
but fuck horses, i've never been stable
pardon if i get lost in this fable,
rap life as if i wasn't able to live
what can you say to the kid
how do you reach a mind as jaded as his
sit and laugh at those who try to forbid
victuals of immortality riddles why you'd come after me
fiddles when i grab my stick, backwards in line
give me another ass to kick
kick back, reminisce
mountains of flowers and bliss
ignore my mind on the fritz

Flowers and Fruit

has it only been an hour or two?
(lemme eat another peach, eat another peach, eat another peach)

(got your peach nanannaanana)
Track Name: nimbus strike
bummy shirt wearing, crystal ball glaring level 3 wizard
haven't even blizzard
so cold to opposition, oddly out his optics spitting
corniest pupil i live just to rhyme iris
cyborg stare leave you shook like fry and the meat man
asking back days with granny's pecans
3.14, won't stop until freedom soars
it's your handy protagonist, never been asked to spit
wait, here's an asterisk, won't hear half his shit
because he hides it, secret identity
think i'm lying? leave the vicinity
Wukong in the building.
as i've said, giant staff what i'm wielding
stone skin; i don't even know what i'm feelin'
worried about now, don't care for an ending
he's obsessed. keeps the mic on his back
turns his back to the stacks, writes more until he finds what he lacks
(but what if he)
never finds it? you're out of line kid
always be a rhymesmith, this is my shit
pardon me i'm violent

crushing blow and a nimbus strike
guarantee it'll be alright

Q and E
you and me
R and W

it's trouble you see

(unintelligible monkey babbling)
Track Name: monkey-man
simian shouting

why make promises?
my only promise is i'm a pompous dick
yo Shaolin, props to the kid
major blows and a proper kick
super glue, the prompter won't stick
call another one up, i need this assist
i need to condense the irrational fear of being near hash and some beer
i have self control, and i'm a selfless bloke
when i wanna be, no promising
would've could've should've prom went king
skipped that shit, typos in my Freudian slip
Freudian slip: sometimes i wish i was cool and hip
drink this rob, take that pill, hit this spliff

(i don't need that shit, i don't need that shit, i don't need that shit)

'90s mentality

'90s mentality, monkey waiting for Arnold to come after me
'90s mentality, monkey waiting for Arnold to come after me
domesticated tragically
fuck off affably, i don't need all this vanity
cliche, but it leads to insanity
i'm a monkey, just wanna throw shit validly

'90s mentality, monkey waiting for Arnold to come after me
'90s mentality, monkey waiting for Arnold to come after me

my whole life's been an accident, part of why i never practiced abstinence.
just wanna be a C+ rapper, doubt you'll ever find me practicing.
Hand Banana myself
yeah, i fucked me over
call up my ex, and maybe hold her better if i wasn't sober
stay straight edge, rob. you took the pledge, rob
don't foul mouth your ex. rob, that's just childish
yo, where's Gambino?
i ain't getting in with a wristband he know
put that X on my hand, months since i thought about sex
hot damn
i'm the man with nothing that even slightly resembles a plan
ax, i (swear this rap shit is) dental.
chew me in half, morph to a lentil
not sure if there's much more to see

lie to myself every single day
it's not like i care anyway

too concerned with the aesthetic
i swear i'm Barney, not Harris
it's not fair.
i was ugly, embarrassed
and my ex girl will probably end up in Paris
don't linger, still pissed i'm not a blues singer
more like a bee sting
hope it's a wasp, bees are like marriage
it hurts and it costs
well, most of the time
fuck am i saying? i'll hopelessly grind
no brakes or braces, i'm focused on rhymes
and i'm fucking frugal with time
everything else
back of the line
it still stays in the back of my mind
cerebellum, fuck off
tell 'em
Track Name: a frantic monkey tries to escape buddha's grasp
Track Name: rummaging for zhu bajie
where the fudge is zakk

got a quarter? order up your protagonist
i'll have a rapping fit, (hey mom, does the rapping fit?)
i admit i'm a militant
not too diligent idiot
put together a syndicate
one man corps
are you feeling it? never a man'll have my back
there's only me, rob, and maybe zakk
though that nigga'll steal my snacks
too wired to hit the sack
anxiety attack, or maybe it was asthma
i've been breathing kinda bad, sir
reading all these crass words
don't idolize a rapper, irritated and hated
by all these bible tapping raptors
jesus, help me
just leave a couple rap nerds
i'm too rash with words

it's a game thrones when i get up in my zone cronies tryin' hold me back. going off the deep end and i'm bringing zakk

i feel like a wad of meat in a snake
less cryptic references for goodness sake
isn't good relative? what's the alternative to sedatives?
don't say that shit.
straight edge, you gotta represent
gotta cut your hair
you gotta make that pence
no college? damn, you're dense.
dunno what i want to do
won't make no sense
or make no cents
granny hates when i get like this
well, maybe not intense,
fuck it
here's my monkey print
sign off my life
fuck i wanna do with it?
guess what i'm saying is screw this shit
funny hair like Schopenhauer
plus my words are turning sour
more pessimistic by the hour
hand me another peach, devour
rise up to the size of a tower
cling to it, i'm overpowered
then shower you fuckers with pain
i'm angry right now i don't want a jane
not Tarzan going ape over dames
rather be in the gym, make a change
more protein-
i mean brotein
makes these gains
aesthetically fuck off. i'm vain
write down a rhyme, then say it's lame
don't touch my hair, i might go insane
upset Kovu picking out his mane
i should be ashamed
sometimes wanna i throw tantrums and cry out to my native phantoms
apache chief but my now my soul bleached
whitewashed and i hate corn
it's thanksgiving and my face is stern
elder zakk, you'd think i'd learn
Pigsy, come take your turn
Track Name: ruyi jingu bang
tired monkey prattle

i don't wanna be failure
lost in the fray like hey see you later
lost and i stray, waste another day
never been afraid of my grave
let's waste another day
hey, another day to my grave
lack of skills paved the way
i have so much to say today
i don't really know what's safe to say
rehashing, blasting raspy bert (like me on facebook) lyrics
yeah pal, that's the spirit
tell your friends to come and hear it
man, i suck at writing limericks
well, here's some kooky lyrics
friendlier than Casper, that's the spirit
do i have a limit? if so, should i even act within it?
why limit myself, replenish my health
eat another peach then finish with a yelp
pass the victuals to this fickle bastard
i don't wanna be classic, sometimes what i say is drastic
stone skin, does he feel, is he real, is he plastic? did he even care when his ass kicked

don't flop

you're slipping on these verses
what do you even think's important
well, i like friends and family
but none of these niggas are proud of me
that's why i walk with this shroud you see
awake when everyone's sound asleep
white family, black sheep
race thing? can't be.
fuck all this asthma
jay, remember when i tried miasma?
hated that shit, wanted to call my grandma
still wanna call my grandma

with this cudgel i'mma try to keep the trouble at bay
Track Name: furious george lands a crushing blow
got my cracked bat cudgel
motherfucker bring the trouble
bad vision or team rocket, i see double
i see that you think you're better than me
you may as well be, i'm a rapper would be
stuck in a tree, it's N-E-S-S, yes he's the very best
not too good for a rest, put him to any test, "WEST"
he'll conquer it, long as there's monsters and shit
laid out like his prom was spent
take this mic and begin to augment
don't need his friends to consent
soliloquies about his descent
"hey man, you're not a team player"
ape escape
boom see ya later

boom boom boom see ya later ahh

curious furious George, i think we need a purge
stone skin, but my veins seem to surge
and i think they mean to urge
rob, you're on the verge
of what? i feel it, am i nuts?
you're Yiddish and a klutz
won't spend a dime, you suck
just spend your time writing rhymes
and sitting on your butt
and tumblring some smut